Not Even With Jumper Cables

My truck's battery died on Saturday. Died beyond any kind of natural or supernatural resuscitation. Not even if there were such a thing as Zombie Batteries that came crawling out of car engines foaming corrosive acid at the mouth and looking to eat other batteries for breakfast is it coming back. Ever. Which means, of course, that I have to replace it, and what would normally be a simple task if one lived in a smallish town has turned into a little mini-fiasco here in the city. One, practically every friend I have that owns a car decided to spend this weekend out of the city or working on a Sunday. Two, while I do try to have some grace regarding people in general, this experience has only served to prove that Wal-Mart employees are morons. First of all, when I called to find out how much their car batteries cost, they told me the automotive department was closed. "There's no one else that could tell me how much they are?" "No one that I know of." Oh really? Apparently Wally World has ceased to perform routine price checks. It's clearly too much to ask that someone walk back there and look at a sticker on a rack. My apologies.

Second, I found a friend with a vehicle and the willingness to take me by a Wal-Mart on the way to an event, only to find about 5 types of actual batteries for sale on a rack that should have housed about 30.
"Excuse me, I need a new battery, but you don't seem to have very many in stock."
"You noticed that huh? Well if we have your kind then it doesn't matter does it?"
"You don't."
"Oh."

When asked if they would call the Capital Plaza Wal-Mart to check their inventory, the man told me that they didn't do that there, that I'd have to go up to Customer Service. So that's not a phone sitting by your register? Silly me, I saw the 1-9 keypad by the banana shaped ear piece and got confused. He was, however, so generous as to tell me that I could just drive right on over to Sears and not only would they probably have the battery I needed, but they would install it right there for no extra cost. In my battery quest, I have lost count of how many times someone has uttered this to me. Well that's fantastic guys. I'm not sure what you don't understand about the fact that my battery is DEAD, but it's good to know that if I could Star Trek teleport my incapacitated truck to your location, that you would be happy to change out my battery free of charge. Next time, I'll try to make sure it spits out its last breath in your parking lot. As for tomorrow, I'm just praying for progress.