I'd like to thank you for existing because now, every February 14th, I get a heart shape box of chocolates that never fails to delightfully surprise/disappoint me based on whatever it is into which I bite. (Heaven forbid I leave a dangling preposition there, hence the odd wording. Thank you as well to Mrs. French for schooling me in 10th grade grammar.) The world becomes a wonderland of pink and red construction paper, silvery glitter, paper lace, and boxes and boxes of el-cheapo Valentines for the kiddie boos to hand out to their classmates. My friend Brooke said those boxes always made her nervous because she was afraid she wouldn't have any sitting in her desk, and I thought to myself, what kind of punk kid doesn't give a Valentine to all of his classmates? What a jerk face. Parents, please teach your children that it's the unpopular school kids that need these cheap Valentines the most. These tiny little incidents can be the defining moments in our lives, making or breaking us in preparation for the cruelty to come that is higher grade school. So dang it, I know that nerdy girl in the glasses looks funny and wears mustard yellow all the time, but is it gonna kill you to write her name on a flimsy piece of colorful cardboard? I think not. Take one for the team.
My apologies, St. Valentine, for my preceding rant. I now return to the task at hand. Thank you again for the multifarious chocolates and the abnormal number of people populating Wal-Mart on the day itself thereby proving themselves lazy, inconsiderate bums for not buying a card before the fact; however, it is these very people that create the demand for the burgeoning enterprises that sprout up along highways selling oversized stuffed bears, ridiculous swirly lollipops (guys, we NEVER want these), and flowers that looked like they were reaped from the Sahara. Three cheers for capitalism and taking advantage of people's horrible propensity to procrastinate. Here here!
Sincerely,
Me
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